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The problem is usually not with you but your spouse, say experts. It could be that he used to bring them out for weekend dinners or movies, but now with you in the picture, that does not happen anymore. Basically, no one will be good enough for her son. They may hang up on you or even storm out of the house! Jenna D. Be understanding about her plight, but insist that you are not willing to discuss it anymore. Your mother-in-law is an adult and she should be accountable for her attitude.
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It will only lead to resentment. Additional text: Michelle Lee. How couples solved wedding mishaps. Good relationships with the in-laws. Small gestures for a great marriage. Awkward sex questions, answered. The top wedding events in Oct Skip to main content. AsiaOne Women. The Finder. The son, believing that this was his natural father, assumed that he inherited the same gene for heart disease. He spent twenty years carefully limiting his diet and working out in order to delay the onset of what he predicted would be his own demise due to the same heart disease suffered by his father.
Then, on her death bed, his mother admitted to him that his Dad had adopted him when he was a small child and neither one had ever told him the truth. The reason for the secrecy was the fact that the biological father was a convicted criminal. The parents feared that the only hope of having this boy lead a normal life was if he knew nothing of this biological father. Needless to say, it came as a tremendous shock to this man to learn first, that his Dad was not his biological father and also that he harbored no genes for heart disease.
In case number 2 above, the young woman finally felt enough trust in the therapist to summon up her courage and reveal the fact that she had been raped when she was in her very early twenties. For ten years she harbored this secret, feeling like she was damaged, believing she was at fault for the rape, fearful of telling her boyfriend for fear she would be judged promiscuous and rejected, and living with an enormous amount of rejection. Once she started to discuss the rape in therapy, including all of her beliefs and fears about its occurrence, and once she felt fully accepted by the therapist, she started to feel enormous relief and her depression started to lift.
Family secrets have consequences beyond what the secret keepers ever imagined. For example, in case number 2, the young woman who had been raped avoided forming a permanent relationship with a man for fear that when he learned about her rape she would be rejected. However, her trust in her therapist and the safety of the therapy office allowed her to take the risk of revealing the secret. The therapist's sympathetic, warm, and assuring response was such that she found the courage to tell her boyfriend.
His compassion, warmth, and total acceptance of her were the source of even more relief.
Then, she decided to tell her mother about it and learned information that was enormously helpful to her in her recovery from depression. When this young woman told her mother about the rape she was once again met with warmth, acceptance, and deep feelings of regret that her daughter had kept this secret for so many years. The question was why had the young woman elected to maintain secrecy? The answer to the above question was that the young woman was raised in a family culture of secrecy. After she and her mom talked about the rape a very emotional discussion her mother revealed all types of family secrets that had been kept from the children for years.
The most important secret was that there was a long history of schizophrenia running through both sides of the family for many past generations. Keeping secrets became the norm of family functioning. Thus, it was natural for the young woman to hold a personal secret for so many years. Family members, extremely ashamed of mental illness running in the family, developed a culture of non communication and secrecy to protect themselves from the truth and to prevent any embarrassing information from becoming available to outsiders.
The young woman's reaction to all of this was huge relief at no longer having to live with secrets, even though she did not know many of these pieces of information.
Five reasons why living like a divorcee could save your marriage
The relationship between this young woman and her boyfriend has grown deeper and closer as a result of her having divulged the awful truth of what happened to her many years ago. Maintaining family secrets provides an opportunity for some family members to form a bond between one another. However, the involvement in maintaining a secret means that other family members are excluded. Therefore, this third individual is excluded. In order to continue to keep the secret, lies often have to be told and truth distorted.
If the excluded member makes an observation that is perceived as coming too close to the secret, then the observation has to be refuted. In case number one, I was the younger child who, upon entering elementary school, was coached by the family to state that my father was dead. I simply came to assume he was dead.
You Married Your Husband, Not Your Parents
Decades later, when the truth emerged and I had the opportunity to meet my father, I felt alienated from my older brother who knew the truth and kept it from me. Learning and education are made possible by human curiosity. However, there is plentiful evidence that maintaining family secrets deeply affects children's ability to learn. The nature of secrets is that no one knows about their existence. However, children are intuitive and are quick to sense changes in tone of voice, facial expressions, and other non verbal communications indicating that there is a secret.
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If they have reason to fear asking for information because of parental anger, it has a dampening effect on their education. There are simply too many case studies in the literature that illustrate the fact that once a therapist helps a family to disclose and discuss a secret, the learning difficulties of the child vanish.
Peggy Papp, family psychotherapist, writes about a case in which a ten-year-old girl has math problems until she is helped by her therapist to understand something in her parent's wedding picture that made no sense to her. Together, they added the months between her parents wedding and when she was born and she discovered that she was 15 months-old by the time they married. Her parents then admitted that she was adopted.
Her math problems in school vanished. We human beings are metaphorical in nature. It has been my experience that after suffering a "broken heart" over a tragedy, a person has a heart attack. Some examples of the relationship between physical or somatic symptoms and secrecy are:. This is referred to as denial. I have seen families in which parents, as well as the anorectic individual, are in denial about the illness. I have also known of many cases where children are raised in an atmosphere of dark secrecy about both the matriarchal and patriarchal parts of their families.
They grow up with a sense that something must be wrong but fear discussing this with their parents. In this type of family, once secrecy becomes the norm, there is no end to the ways in which information is blocked from flowing. In these situations, children keep secrets from parents, and parents keep secrets from children and from one another. This carries over into generations as the children marry and keep secrets from their spouses.
'Ssssh...he must never know!' Secrets married couples keep from one another
None of this is benign since the individuals from these families who become patients, experience depression and physical or somatic symptoms. There are studies that show that secrecy results in feelings of powerlessness. One study demonstrated that in families where secrecy was a major issue, especially with regard to sexual offenses, vulnerable youth were at greater risk of becoming sexual offenders themselves. When they committed the act of rape, they ordered their victims to behave in certain ways.
The research concluded that the rape was a way to overcome the helpless and victimized feelings they had experienced in the family. Of course, the rape itself had to be kept secret, perpetuating the cycle of maintaining secrets. The study concluded that for these young people, family secrecy and deception established and maintained a disregard for the truth and for the customs of society. However, this does not mean that family secrets of and by themselves create sex offenders. Rather, it is the situations in which youth may have conduct disorders and other anti social features to their personalities, combined with family secrecy, and deception that can lead to acts of sexual abuse and rape.
I have always maintained that there are few secrets that are so dangerous that they cannot stand being brought out into the open, where they suddenly lose the evil and dark air that once surrounded them.
Read PDF Save Your Marriage - Secrets Your Mother Never Told You
What was once said in reference to war is true about secrets and the decision to reveal them: "There is nothing to fear but fear itself. For those seeking addiction treatment for themselves or a loved one, the MentalHelp. Our helpline is offered at no cost to you and with no obligation to enter into treatment. Neither MentalHelp. With that in mind, would you like to learn about some of the best options for treatment in the country? This novel describes a tragic incident that leads to a secret being kept and that has even more tragic consequences later in the lives of all the characters who are unable to communicate with each other because of the existence of the secret.
Some examples of family secrets: 1 A child is not told that he is not the biological son of his father who actually adopted him when he was born.